Do you want to be a polyester bride?

In the past I have scorned any and all internet dating services. I know several couples who have found each other via the world wide web, but it seemed so artificial to me. Like trying to Google your soul mate. I'd much rather meet someone through friends, spend some time together, go to the malt shop and be asked to 'go steady.' Unfortunately, I don't live in Leave it to Beaver reruns. So when my mother asked if she could create a profile for me on an Indian Matrimonial website, I reluctantly agreed.

That's right, I said "matrimonial." Scares the shit out of me, too. My major problem is that I don't want to lie ... but telling the truth doesn't really work for me, either. Here's what my profile blurb would read if I were being completely honest:

I'm a 25 year-old who doesn't know what she wants out of life. When I spill something (ice cream, salad dressing, what have you) on the table, I spend the next two minutes talking myself out of licking it up. On the floor, one minute. Still, I probably think I'm smarter than you. I'm a complete prude with a powerful right hook - try anything and I may well break your jaw. I harbor irrational hatred for many things, including semicolons and popped collars. Shorties and non-citizens need not apply.

Obviously in this situation, discretion is the better part of valor. I'm still building my profile, but I've gotten two "expressions of interest" already ... both from men living outside the US. Poop.